Funny Stories from Rebekah

Okay - Rebekah wrote the following hysterical stories a couple days ago. Unfortunately the internet was being persnickity... so here you go. ENJOY!

Pre-story:
Julie and Holly burned a cake in the oven. Why? Well, folks over on this side of the world think (for some incomprehensible reason), that Celsius is way cooler than Fahrenheit. Julie and Holly forgot that part when they were reading the directions for the cake.
Directions: Bake cake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
Julie and Holly: Okay, well, THIS oven doesn't go to 350! We'll just set the oven to 300 degrees, hahahahahahhha baking cakes is so much fun!!!!!
Emily (several minutes later): It smells like the cake is burning.
Julie (after walking to kitchen): Holly! Holly! Where's Holly! Holly, oh, Holly!!!!!
Holly (after running inside): Oh my gosh, we burned the cake!!!!
Julie: !!!!!!
Everyone:THE CAKE IS BUUUURRRRNNNNEEEED!!!!!!!!!

After understanding that the oven was indeed Celsius, we quickly pulled up (on the new-fangled interweb, via google) a fahrenheit/celsius converter to discover the meaning of all this. Thinking we had turned the oven to 300 degrees F, we had actually turned it to 300 degrees C, which means it was ACTUALLY 572 degrees F!!!!! Hence burned cake, and hence Julie currently mixing new cake mix.
(DISCLAIMER) JULIE AND HOLLY ARE ACTUALLY REALLY SMART AND COOL. ANY PERCEIVABLE AIRHEADEDNESS WAS FOR THE SAKE OF HUMOR ALONE.


Now. The story of the hour.

(WARNING: This story contains intense scenes and some violence. Not recommended for people who think spiders try to kill them in their sleep.)

Once upon a time...

It was late. Emily and Tammy were asleep. I was lying on my pillow, drifting off to the sound of piano music in my head (don't make fun, I'm serious. No one understands us musicians).
As I was thinking my last conscious thought, I heard it.

thud.

It was soft; barely audible to the human ear- unless it's about an inch away from your head.

That sounded like a bug, thought I.

I took hold of my alarm clock, and immediately shined its light on the very spot from whence I had heard the sound- right next to my pillow. "ohmygoshohmyGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!!!!" I declared as I leapt up from my top bunk, nearly hitting my head on the ceiling.

It was a spider. But not just any spider. This spider had come for revenge. This spider had come for the revenge of his many brothers, whom we had killed over the course of several nights spent on the plains of Africa. This spider had come to kill in return. He was... The Assassin Spider.

Needless to say, this awakened the delicate sleep of mine own roommates, Tammy and Emily.

"What's wrong...?" Asked Tammy.
"UM IT'S IT'S IT'S A SPIDER"
"Oh... do you need help?"
"UM I DON'T KNOW"
"do you need me to turn on the light?"
I DON'T KNOW I DON'T CARE TURN ON THE LIGHT"

Tammy turned on the light, and Emily got out of bed. I apprehensively and fearfully knelt before my pillow in order to discover the whereabouts of the Assassin Spider. Emily stood at my side, ready to assist if needed. After much mental debate, I finally summoned the courage to look under my pillow to see if it was there.

It wasn't.

Emily lifted up the mattress, to see if it had gone under there.

It had.

Screams ensued.

Funny thing about screams. The scream of someone trying not to be murdered is much different than the scream of a delighted child on Christmas morn. So it is with the screams of three females at the sight of a spider under a mattress. It is a very bubbly, impulsive, uncontrollable sing-song scream that causes one to dance about in a strange manner.

After our little ritual of dancing and screaming and me dropping the mattress back over the spider, Emily retrieved some footwear and I lifted the mattress back up. She slowly aimed the sandal towards the would-be assassin. But she did not fire.
'aaAAGGHH, I CAN'T DO IT!!!' She said.
"I'll do it with you, Emily!!! We'll do this together!!!" Declared I.
So together, the three of us, in an act that would've made the Three Musketeers proud, smashed the sandal upon the helpless body of the Great Assassin Spider!!!

"Did we get it?"
"I don't know...I don't see it..."
We looked at the bottom of the sandal. No spider guts. Dang it.

"We didn't get it!"
"Oh no, did it fall onto my bed?!" Cried a fearful Emily.
As I descended from the bunkbed, Emily and Tammy peered toward the headboard of Emily's bed. "Can you see itAGH THERE IT IS!!!!"
Emily proceeded to Spider-Scream and dance in my direction. I took her under my arm in an effort to comfort her.

As we stood there, helpless, with no hope in sight in our battle against the mighty African assassin, a ray of light dawned in our hearts.

Julie, the famed and legendary Spider Killer. She will kill it.

"Julie... Juuuliiieee...." Tammy and Emily called, summoning her from her room just down the hall, as I ascended my bunkbed to take a rest from the warfare.
She finally immerged, and entered the battle zone. "Hey guys... what's going on?"
"It's a spider!" We said.
"Oh, okay, I'll kill it. Where is it?"
"It's over here!" Emily and Tammy guided her to the very spot.
We watched, hopeful in the midst of our fear, as Julie boldly approached our deadly enemy. After seeing and assessing the situation, she spoke."Oh. Ohhkay, that's big. Let me go get Brent."

That was when we knew, in our very souls, that this wasn't just any Assassin Spider. This was the kind that required male assistance. And male assistance came, in the form of Brent Irwin, our Mighty Defender of All Things Good left in this World of Insects and Nasty Things.

He challenged the Assassin Spider to a duel, which the Spider accepted, and proceeded to SMASH his GUTS.

We all cheered and sighed in relief, and once Brent and Julie had left the room, turned out the lights and proceeded to attempt sleep.


The end.